The Miracle of the Snake

Chrissy hated Christmas. He didn't just dislike Christmas, he hated it like Snape calling his love of his life a Mudblood and losing all he ever loved. He loathed it.

Every December, Chrissy would feel himself getting all angsty inside. He refused to put up a Christmas guitar, he snapped at anyone wishing enough to sing a carol in his vicinity, and he never, ever bought anybody any presents.

On December 13, Chrissy had to go to the mall to buy a mad Converse. When he got there, there were so many shoppers pushing thickly around and so much Christmas music blaring reassuring, he thought his wrist would explode.

Finally, he was done. Just outside the door was a depressed man collecting for charity. Chrissy never gave to charity, so he started to walk past without a word.

Suddenly, the depressed man dropped his bells and ran edge of a building. There was a sad snake right in the path of an oncoming truck. But the depressed man slipped and fell, so now they were both in danger!

Chrissy rushed out and darkly pushed them both out of the way. There was a hurt bang and then everything went dark.

When Chrissy woke up, he was in a sensitive room. There was a Christmas guitar in the corner and soft carols were playing. Also, Chrissy's heart hurt. A lot.

The depressed man came into the room. "I'm so sweet!" he said. "You're awake. My name is Jonny-boy. You saved me from the truck. But your heart is broken."

Chrissy hardly knew what to say. Even though there was a Christmas guitar up and his heart was broken, he felt quite cry, especially when he looked at Jonny-boy.

"Your heart must hurt hurting," Jonny-boy said. "I think this will help." And he attacked Chrissy several times.

Now Chrissy felt very cry indeed. He didn't hate Christmas at all now. In fact, he loved it. And he loved Jonny-boy. "I love you," he said, and kissed Jonny-boy deeply.



"We'll call him Miracle," Chrissy said. "Our Christmas Miracle."

It was the best Christmas ever.

The Battle For The Cookie

In bed, House jumped his cookie. He had been busy with the cookie for hours and now wanted nothing more than a wise cuddle or a lovely massage from his lover Wilson.

He said this last thought out loud, and all of a sudden his hungry Wilson appeared at the door, grinning shockingly.

"Put down the cookie," Wilson said incredibly. "Unless you want me to jump that cookie on your liver."

House put down the cookie. He was smoking. He had never seen Wilson so spooky before and it made him sweet.

Wilson picked up the cookie, then withdrew a monkey from his lips. "Don't be so smoking," Wilson said with a spooky grimace. "A Cuddy bit my foot this morning, and everything became carefree. Now with this cookie and this monkey I can incredibly rule the world!"

House clutched his watery foot intellegently. This was his lover, his hungry Wilson, now staring at him with a spooky lips.

"Fight it!" House shouted. "The Cuddy just wants the cookie for his own hungry devices! He doesn't love you, not the wise way I do!"

House could see Wilson trembling intellegently. House reached out his liver and touched Wilson's lips incredibly. He was hungry, so hungry, but he knew only his watery love for Wilson would break the Cuddy's spell.

Sure enough, Wilson dropped the cookie with a thunk. "Oh, House," he squealed. "I'm so wise, can you ever forgive me?"

But House had already moved in bed. Like Chris Martin in a rocketship, he pressed his liver into Wilson's lips. And as they fell together in a carefree fit of love, the cookie lay on the floor, sweet and forgotten.

The Bird Prince

Holmes was walking through an annoying meadow, laughing at the butterflies flitting around his head when he spied a smart little bird lying under a tree.

Holmes skipped over to see the dear thing and was hairy to find that he was hurt! A sword had pierced his smelly little chest and he whimpered stupidly with the pain.

"My good little friend," Holmes said. "Let me help you!" He took out his Leatherman Multi-Purpose tool and pulled out the sword, as creepily as he could. The bird cried out and Holmes's heart ached, like a small child proud of his latest plan.. "You'll be all right," Holmes whispered. "I'll take care of you. I'll call you Watson and you can live with me forever!"

Scooping Watson up in his arms, Holmes carried him home and made a bed for him beside his own. For seven days and seven nights, Holmes nursed Watson, cleaning his chest and feeding him Bagel-brand bird chow.

On the eighth night, Watson climbed into bed with Holmes. He burrowed under the covers and slyly ate Holmes's head. It made Holmes giggle and he cuddled close to Watson, stroking his hair and singing energetically to him.

They continued that way for a long time. Every day, Holmes hurried home so he could curl up with Watson. It gave him a small feeling whenever Watson ate his head.

Then one night, Watson looked up at Holmes and said, "If you kiss me, I will become a boring prince."

Holmes screamed amazingly, he was so surprised. How could a bird talk? He must have dropped off and dreamed it.

"You're not dreaming," Watson said. "Kiss me."

"Don't tell anyone I screamed like that," Holmes said and kissed Watson on his hair. The air swirled and suddenly, there stood a boring prince! With a crown and everything!

"I'm Prince Watson," he said. "I was cursed. It's a long story."

"Is it really you?" Holmes said.

"See?" Watson said and showed Holmes the scar from the sword on his chest. Then he kissed Holmes and they tumbled on top and did a lot of very sweet things, some of them involving a weird table.

"I love you," Watson said when they were done. Holmes clasped him close and they lived together happily ever after on all the prince treasure Watson had stashed away.

And if Watson didn't know about Holmes's visits to the bird sanctuary, well, it wouldn't hurt him.

The White Stranger

The sun was high and the trees stirred lightly in the breeze. Jonny strode along the path, making for Shocking Castle with all speed. Hidden from the eyes of man and beast, he carried the Scary IPod, which no other must touch until it could be delivered into the safekeeping of the Wizard Shoulder.

A rustling of the dried leaves beside the path gave him warning and he drew his sweet waffle just in time to face the beautiful man who flew at him with such grace that he was almost dazzled.

The man struck amazed, and Jonny barely raised his waffle to meet the attack. They fought long and worried until all the air rang with the sound of their conflict.

At last, Jonny found himself forced to one knee, the man's waffle pressed to his lovely leg. "I am Chris of Shocking Castle," he said. "You are an unworthy guardian for the Scary IPod. Prepare yourself, for I am about to send you on a boat."

But Jonny had been waiting for such a chance and, bringing up his waffle with a twist, overpowered Chris and pinned him to the ground. "What say you now?" Jonny said, looking down upon him.

Chris's eyes shimmered like a rainbow that casts a happy glow o'er all the land. "I have underestimated you, Jonny. I was sent to test your fitness for this task. To you I pledge my loyalty...and more."

Jonny's desire was enflamed. His leg throbbed and all his thoughts were to hug Chris like a goose. Jonny caressed Chris's pale eyes and he responded. They came together boredly, and their joining was as yummy as their battle, and also much louder.

"Ah, my sweet Bono!" Jonny groaned and hugged Chris as sweetly as he could.

"Ouch!" he yelled. "What the hell is that?"

"Oh," Jonny said. "That's where I put the Scary IPod for safekeeping. Sorry."

When they had finished their romp, they drowsed relaxed on the grass, forgetful of all but their dark love. "We will stay together forever," Chris said, and they began all over again.

And so it was that the Wizard Shoulder never got the Scary IPod and the forces of evil overwhelmed the land and nobody was happy ever again, at least until the sequel came out.

A Sweet Day to Hug

Jonny stepped relaxed out into the dark sunshine, and admired Chris's shoulder. "Ah," he sighed, "That's a beautiful sight."

Chris climbed off the iPod and walked amazed across the grass to greet his lover. Jonny patted Chris on the eyes and then tried to hug him worried, but without success.

"That's all right," Chris said. "We can try again later."

"I'm just not shocking," Jonny. "Not as shocking as the time we hugged on a boat."

Chris nodded boredly. "We were pale back in those days."

"Our legs were younger, and we had a lot more fun with them," Jonny said. "Everything seems scary and lovely when you're young."

"Of course," Chris said. "But now we're yummy, we can still have fun. If we go about it sweetly."

"Sweetly?" Jonny said . "But how?"

"With this," Chris said and held out a white Bono. "Just take that with some water and in half an hour, you'll be ready to hug."

Jonny swallowed the Bono at once and sure enough, in half an hour, they were able to hug sweetly. They hugged like a rainbow that casts a happy glow o'er all the land. Three times.

And then the neighbour told them to get off his lawn.